Sunday, November 25, 2012

So Good In Bed I Killed A Man

For the last month I've been secretly dating my co-worker. And not just any co-worker-- he's essentially my cube mate. I'm within a 6 foot or less radius of Brad up to 60 hours a week. And if we're not within touching distance all I would have to do is raise my voice for him to hear me.

I know, I know, don't shit where you eat. But when have I ever been one to listen to practical advice? That's right, never.

Because of the dynamics at work it's best to keep our relationship a secret. And mainly because I don't like people gossiping about me.

Mostly, we had been doing a really good job. One other good friend at work knows what is going on but it's been a hilarious few weeks of spending the night together and then being at work pretending like we have no idea what the other one did last night.

Until this morning...

Let me preface this story with the fact that we live in a very small town. Gossip is everywhere. People listen to police scanner for fun at night while drinking moonshine. I'm not kidding this town loves a good story.

So, Brad comes over after work last night, we watch Superbad and we go to sleep. Totally normal right?

Until this morning...

My best friend at work, Cassie, starts blowing up my phone. She had gone in early when the phone started ringing off the hook.  Be aware that Cassie has no idea that Brad and I are together.

Evidently last night in our small town there had been a car wreck and a guy named Brad died. Well, some EMT told someone's mom who told their son who called my Brad's mom and told her that Brad had died (most ridiculous run-on
sentence of the day!).

My Brad had not died. He was in bed with me with his phone on silent.

After the third phone call from Cassie I pick up the phone:

Me "Cassie, I'm sleeping. What do you want?"
Cassie "Have you talked to Brad?"
**I roll over, look at Brad and start lying immediately**
Me "No, why?"
Cassie "There was a car accident last night and Brad's mom called up here crying. No one can reach him. They think he's dead."
Me "Fuck, he's here. I'll wake him up and have him call his mom."

And now my very secret affair with my co-worker is now today's hottest gossip.


"Did you hear that everyone had thought Brad died? Do you hear where he really was?"
-New All Time Low is trying to keep it on the down low.

Monday, October 29, 2012

It could be worse...

Is it just me or is this guy kind of hot? 

AllTimeNewLow is impressed by that sexy winking mugshot.



Florida couple has sex on restaurant table, man arrested for refusing to pay bill 

Jeremie Calo, 32, and an unnamed companion had sex on an outdoor table in full view of other patrons, Orlando police said, though Calo was arrested for not paying his bill.

WKMG Local 6

Jeremie Calo (inset) was arrested after he and an unnamed companion had sex on an outdoor table in full view of other patrons, but was charged only for not paying for his meal.

This couple really needed to get a room.

Unsuspecting diners at an Orlando restaurant got more than they bargained for when a dinner date turned X-rated on a patio table.

Jeremie Calo, 32, and his unnamed companion “were having sex on a table in view of minor(s),” Orlando police told WKMG-TV.  Patrons tried to shield their children and went to tell the manager of the Paddy Murphy’s restaurant, Tom Murphy, about the table romp.

Murphy interrupted the couple, asking them to finish their business elsewhere.  Calo replied that his date “can’t get up at this time,” because she was on top of him, WKMG reported.  Murphy called police, but there were no charges brought against either party connected to public sex.  Instead, Calo was arrested for refusing to pay his $101 dollar bill, the station reported.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

he texted

When I'm "kind of talking to a guy" I'm strategic. Text messages are planned out and timed for perfect execution.

And then I get drunk and fuck it all up. But those are some stories for another day.

Luckily my friends are geniuses at well written text messages and at talking about guys during brunch.

He Texted ( is the virtual version of sitting over mimosas and reading way too far into a text message. Oh, and I like judging the stupid shit girls say to guys they like.

But, I have my own interesting text message to decode. This is from my high school sweetheart who is still devastatingly hot, in a long term relationship, and is kind of an asshole (just my type).

So, think he's into me?

All Time New Low isn't falling for that bullshit 

Thursday, October 11, 2012

the hipster date

This summer I went on a day date with a raging hipster.  He planned our entire day:

We went to a flea market where he bought a "vintage" skateboard.

Followed by an hour long road trip to a gorgeous

On the way home we stooped at goodwill where he bought some truly
hideous t-shirts.

I think there was some sort of hipster check list he was working from.
And because I'm creepy I totally took a sneaky spy picture to really drive home the point-- you can't text your friends about your date without pictures.

All Time New Low uses her iphone to make herself laugh

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

welcome bitches

Six months ago I came back to the single side after years of living with someone.

I've gone on some dates. I've had some one night stands. I've collected a lot of stories.

And now I'm sharing the details. Get ready to laugh and also join with me in saying "what the fuck--dudes suck".